Poetry & Prose

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 all museum photos by de

 Bread and Puppet Theatre Museum, Glover, Vermont

   By the way- all the stuff above the above photo? I don't know how it got there- it came after I switched from Internet Explorer to Mozilla  Firefox, since Free Webs told me their Sitebuilder works better with Firefox.

Are you wilder at night or doing the day? at the age of 71,  I find my self (even tho my dreams are "wild"- morphing back and forth between subjects and changing a scene with one other person to a scene with a group) I am in a way more sober at night- promising myself to stop drinking or indulging in other vices- then, during the day- I slip back into the vices and enjoy it. Wierd. Maybe it's because I think so much during the day and that is painful- at night- my brain just letsherrip.

I drift thru dreams about space- not outer space but the space allotted to me here on earth- i watch the movie "Tokyo" by the director, Ozu, and realize that the Japanese, and how many others in the world- do not have the space I do!

But then...I have moved from the spacious college town suburban space of a room in a nice house (my parents') in a nice neighborhood thru: summer houses in Vermont that were old farm houses; dorm rooms at a prep school- Mt. Hermon; dorm rooms at Oberlin College in Ohio- (in Jr. and Sr. years in nice houses); to cells at a federal penitentiary, to a dorm rm for 8 at same;  to apartments in Baltimore, to a row house in Baltimore, to a separate house with a front and back lawn in Baltimore.

    my dreams shift back and forth between these spaces- sometimes they are overgrown with vines or the plumbing is freezing over a la the surrealist painter,  Max Ernst.

     the nicest places i had been in on earth were: Dr. Luc's apartment nxt to the Cathedral Ste. Etienne du Mont in Paris- w the green court yard and the doves... my classmate Dave Newman's ocean front mansion on Shore Dr., Cape Neddick, Me. (if you want to rent it during the summer? it's $1 k per day!!); and A- frame hut back from the Hapuna Beach, Kona Coast, Hawaii...

   . .the movement between places motif may b a metaphor for compartments in the brain?

    i dream abt relationships also- but...they are as memorable as the travel landscapes (sorry wives and girls and other women?) (i know you all dream of relationships first and foremost!!)

    us males? we've been out in the forest hunting- we have that sense of direction 


         Dreams are defubutekt (definitely) James Joyce type material- experimental . Dali exploited this- more power to him! 

               In my dreams I am usually nervous, anxious, cautious, worried, paranoid- seldom relaxed or calm. I note that my dreams seem to be my poetry now- the only spot where my life is poetic- as opposed to when I was young and had more energy- the energy to create. Now I only have the energy to edit.

I note in a Newsweek article about dreams in 2004 one person?s thot that dreams might be like the waste disposal for thought the way we shit, piss and perspire. Sounds possible. It's as if a little animal (my brain like a squirrel or crow)  sits in my head at night creating a basket out of this fragment and that. I am there as an observer and the dreams go on by themselves- like an entertainment. I can think of very few dreams that were instructive- often- as I have also said- the dreams are sour and annoying and desolate- but not directly negative. The brain has to create them, willy nilly.

Yes, by means of dreams, the brain seems to be working problems through...then, why does it work them out so poorly? My dreams only imply solutions- never spell them out. Maybe 5 % are positive- the rest are frustrating and negative.

From a documentary on Carlos Castenada- ?Nothing happens in ordinary life until it?s dreamed. Trees and animals dream;  dreaming prepares us for death.? (reminds of Wild's "Life imitates art"). Typical bull sh t, pompous statement- was he high? Why do people say stuff like this? They are trying to sound important- saying stuff like throwing mud on the wall- see if it sticks.


Themes interweave in dreams like Wagner motifs- like a boat on wheels plunging down inner city allies, so narrow one can feel the leaves as one brushes through them (mystery of the old roads explored as a child in Vermont?) . Themes recur (and in order, somewhat of importance or recurrence): jobs or an issue related to the job,  travel, in a car or train- sometimes down rivers, sometimes flying,  old places I?ve lived in, new  dwellings be it St. Paul St., Ellerslie Ave., moving between them, trying to find routes thru unfamiliar neighborhoods (like Gun Hill Rd, in the Bronx?), especially being stuck or trapped at the parents house or in the old or the ineffective like when I was depressed, having missed out on something- need to retrace steps- can?t go back, must accept as it is, the farm in Pa., not close relatives like mom, pop or Louise or Cathy much- just not being able to move forward! The theme of not being prepared is common- as morning of 7/15/09- I am to conduct a Gilbert and Sullivan and arrive at the podium with a rather large audience behind me and a large array of musicians in front to face a score with no time signature!! 


the period of Oberlin College- 1959-'62 inhabits my dreams a lot- and right after graduation- i am all; ways fumbling for direction there in- maybe has to do w key changes in the brain at that time- and, indeed, after I graduated I was training to go to Ethiopia in the Peace Corps and dropped out- sadly perhaps- in a scared fashion- then went to live w folks until I started tyeaching at Boys Latin- a couple of years just writing poetry- at Parkton and then Long Green Valley- a curious period-


Doesn?t seem to be much humor in dreams- dreams are usually humorless (except the one I had w Jesus in it?)- they are often sort of "sour". But sometimes it?s as if my brain were entertaining me? Or, I'm trying to work out problems in the dream- sometimes, going obsessively over worries- I?m usually glad to wake up. Dreams are messy, disorganised. They morph and shift gears wierdly. 


My dreams often seem to want to give me trouble- they are troubled- they set up an obstacle course...4/20/9-I have parked it seems a long way from the jail and my work place and must walk a mile at least- some one else is with me-there is construction everywhere- new roads and buildings being built- we must stp around and up and over- there is dirt in heaps, etc. At the end a portly gentleman joins us and I can't figure out- is this an unfriendly, boss figure?

            two dreams (what date?- before ??, before my breakdown- still with O.A.R.): these two seemed more significant than usual, they reminded me of the "reveal code" in the computer, showing the undercurrents of my thinking which have importance, not just the rational, glib, untroubled over currents. In another sense, the undercurrents are just irrational ventilations. They have that sour, desolate, negative quality dreams so often have. I seldom had positive dreams, joyful dreams...maybe some of my soaring dreams (but even in those I might get caught up in the eaves or rafters like I did in that one dream where I was up in the ceiling at Severance Hall at Oberlin College while the chorus went on singing without me far beneath me on the floor below; my wings flapped tangledly (sic), there was no way up and out, no window half open to sunlight!) Or maybe some of my wet dreams were positive. In general I find dreams to be unpleasant- they are more the brain working out its problems or ventilating or just free associating than they are something to be desired.

In the one dream I am at an Offender Aid and Restoration (OAR) Board meeting or Annual Meeting or Delegate Assembly giving a report. The President of my board, Jay Levenson, approaches me at one point to whisper confidentially in my ear that before I finish he has something he wants me to include. Before I finish he comes up again and tells me that Aaron (a coworker of Vicky's who does not go to O.A.R. meetings) (a laid back black guy, particularly sensuous), Aaron says that it would be a good time for me to take the piece of cotton out of my ears. This is a shame dream, for the cotton I put in one ear of one of my OCD devices- to make things quieter, to allow me to focus without distraction- a kind of practical device that has become routinized to the point where I have to incorporate it in ANY important meeting.. it becomes a ritual.

Underneath these rituals I am still very concerned with what people think of me and that this works against the rituals, for I realize that there must be times when they become apparent and I look bad! People have mentioned to me from time to time, "do you know that you have a piece of white stuff in your ear?"  I had put a bit of cotton in one ear because noise in the workplace always bothered me, again,  the practical application morphed into a ritual--that is, I came to find it mandatory to put the cotton in, especially before an important meeting. It was like beetle's protective coloring/or his putting twigs on the carapace/ back in a disguise apparatus; or as Kafka's groundhog so assiduously tends his burrow entrances and exits against any enemy attack- i.d. paranoia!

Like a segue in music, the dream goes on to a second dream (I am reminded of Wagner's leit motifs in dreams in general). I am at a family gathering. The family is Louise's (my ex wife's). Cathy and Chris, my girl friend and son, are nowhere to be seen. Louise's parents are saying that they have found, arranged to be purchased or purchased for Louise and David (her new husband) a condo out at Frederick, Maryland. Now, Louise and David do have a house in Frederick, but L's folks had nothing to do with it. Her folks have retired to Sarasota, Florida, where Louise has another house. I think that underneath I am jealous of Louise's three houses and wonder (this looking back on the dream after it is over) do I regret the divorce? No, that's not it, it's that I feel hurt still over her departure (but not in the light of day, only at night in the subconscious?)


As the dream continues everyone seems to be waiting for me to say something, as if they know I want to. I say, "Could you speak louder, I can't hear you", it's as if they have been murmuring conspiratorily (but I can hear them clearly). At this point Louise, off to the side, is playing the piano (I had forgotten that she had an interest in the piano), showing some little kidly how to play (but L was never that good). It's as if she's trying to drown me out. The parents go on in the dream to state that the Presbyterian church has helped in their effort and that they also looked at Fairhaven as a possible residence for Louise and David. But Fairhaven is the Episcopal Church's facility for seniors which I looked at for my mom with mom along with my sister and brother Jonathan. And Louise and Dave have nothing to do with the church these days anyway! The dream seems to be strangely punning.

I am dismayed at these dreams. They mock me so to speak, shifting the facts around, putting me in an unpleasant light. The one suggests I still want to be with Louise although I'm very happy with Cathy! Or is it just saying, the hurt with Louise dies hard? Or am I concerned that Cathy is not as close to me as she used to be, because she did not spend last night at my place?   The dream has me competing with Louise and her wealth. In the light of day, both dreams seem "far fetched". (This was before Cathy and I moved in together).

My brother, Tim writes, "your dreams are pointing out things about you not so much relevant to Cathy and Louise say- but some internal struggle where money represents something (dad sure played well with money but Dave doesn't?), or, like the dream suggests, you need to care for your mom- (guilt perhaps that she's got to go into a nursing home and you can't save her?)"

Another dream: (I have recently given a couple of readings with Phil Berrigan); I'm at a poetry reading but, on a "remote" hook up I can hear Father Berrigan addressing a huge crowd of college students. He is being very well received. I go there. Phil's daughter is assisting him in some way and sits on a stool to his side. She is attractive and sexily dressed. Some other assistant comes over to me (since I am in a balcony she actually floats! over to me) and gives me a sexy, full kiss. I think she pushes her breasts in my face. Is this saying Phil's path is something I should follow? Or that I have chosen a different, more sensual path?

The dreams have their ridiculous side, but something about them suggests some unfinished work, material I have yet to deal with to move on, material to ventilate, to sort through. Is the brain just spewing forth these connections to get rid of them? as if sweating?  Or is the brain composing its own music with its own set of Wagnerian style leit-motifs; certain motifs have a great deal of significance to me- money, my relationships, what others think of me, my obsessive-compulsive behavior motifs are surfacing and playing out.

Thank God for the light of day! But- I realize that one day- there will be neither light of day nor dreams at night!!!!!

Tim again, "what a fascinating battleground got played out in us children of mom and dad with religion, sexuality, gender, personality types, etc., given their backgrounds and needs."


Tim's path is to pursue grace, i.e.- "God's kingdom showing the truth of our dreams and our realities and it's everywhere if we can just get et unclogged enough to recognize (Jesus thus "the kingdom of God is within you"). My path? Sex...music...literature, your basic Omar Khayam.


I have kept a diary of my dreams since about 1995 (but dates seem a bit shaky). 


If I could be said to be sailing the open seas on weekends during the day, evenings I descend into a mine, sometimes productive and other times not. If too soused I may not remember the dream; I have the feeling of having dreamed- I know I have- and yet can't remember the details. But many of my dreams have been so potent, I just have to include them.



       Bread and Puppet Theatre Museum


                                   Labor Day, Sept. 2004- one of my more meaningful dreams?


A sphinx stares at me thoughtfully.

Who am I?

A puzzle, like working down through the mah jong squares, only to run into the message, ?Sorry,  no moves left available?.

The computer makes spitting noises, there is a train in the distance (isn?t there always).

A recurring nightmare-I am in a Central Booking type of building (where I worked around 2000)- a huge, two block long edifice, except this one has a central atrium style large room with a central elevator ( like the motel/hotel I stayed at in Charlottesville for an OAR Convention). I have, as I did at the Jail, lost my position. I am wandering about looking for a place- the people I know vaguely but they do not speak to me- isn?t that one of the female judges? They are dressed as at a Christmas party. They seem like some of the Pre Trial Release people- God I felt out of place when we worked for them- under them, I should say. Most of them were menacing. A bit of the courthouse comes into play here?- yes, my life's biggest moments have occurred at the old federal building- the old Post Office, 111 N. Calvert St.- where the trials of the Baltimore 4 and Catonsville 9 took place, where I had to pass a Civil Service terst to keep my job at the jail.

          There is a band playing of people dressed in midevil costumes- playing recorders and with floppy jester hats (the ones with the limp ?horns?) at the central atrium elevator doors.

I know where all the bathrooms are on all the floors and am explaining to this guy where one is- ?down by the parking garage?.

I cannot find my desk- where it used to me (there have been times at the Jail when one had to move and wonder a lot where one would be placed) - I feel uncomfortable- I go down the long stairs looking for a bathroom- at the bottom I find one but it is odd architecturally- interlocking squares- as in Escher.

I go to the center atrium where I will sit and read (reading is ?something to do?- I can be defined by reading as I was at prep school. I will be safe hiding behind a book). The room I find is a sort of fancy waiting room- for the judges? Should I sit on one of the leather sofas. I remember walking, walking through the courthouse- trying to avoid some meeting or other. What is it about that courthouse (Courthouse East, the ?old Post Office?-110 N. Calvert St.- so much of importance in my life has occurred there!- my blood pouring trial, my taking the city Civil Service test I had to pass, my meeting with Tom Kirk as I was breaking down and would have to leave the job when C found my sexual pecadillo books in the basement).

I am/ have been defined by what I do- by my work. How important was the time of my depression when I was adrift- but I also have a feeling of my bother?s death- of the ?abyss? at the end of it all. I can learn from these two experiences.

Am I not a poet? Don?t forget that!!

Am I a chameleon?

To be is to work? Laborare est orare? To pray is to be? I am a monk?

Am I the person who lies next to Cathy? A house painter? (I have been painting outside). The questions come to me like those on Gauguin?s painting- Who are we, where are we going? Or Munch?s ?Between the bed and the mirror?- a self portrait in old age where he unflinchingly awaits his death.

For now, let me ?do the right thing?.

Dreaming seems, as I recently read, the brain?s cleaning up, or going over the key motifs as one might caress stitches.

We are able to reason but can?t figure out who we are and then we die. Unbelievable!

Cath reminds me the next day that it is the time of year that school is starting. Is my brain wired to think of Mt. Hermon or Oberlin scenes- long quads of dorms- decisions to be made about roommates, classes?  At this time of every year? 


 In some dreams I have been able to chat with famous people (unfortunately- since it is my brain making up these dreams I can report no new information- as tantalizing as they may be as to indicating other worlds- dreams rehash stuff you already know!): for example:  




Dream of 12/7/4-8?  dream 1- some one is attacking government files -  I run to take part- following Cathy (why her?)- there is a ladder up- cut to coverage of the action I am watching in a fancy (hotel? Office?) lobby ? then I am on a press bus going to the action

Dream 2-dreaming w humor- a night at the funnies? I am watching a soccer game w two good teams- world class- an important game but field is surrounded by shacks w  mountains in the distance- turns out this match is taking place in Peru- Lima?

Then, I am playing- I make many good plays?

Dream morphs to ancient Palestine? I am in the company of a beautiful woman- an Ekaterina Gordeava type (she was skating on TV yesterday)- we await the arrival of?.Jesus!! yes, he is going to preach to us, but it turns out we are watching a movie of him preaching to us- this comes from two sources- Mel Gibson?s movie- ?The Passion? and the time I went to hear Dan Berrigan giving a lecture (on Jonah) at Loyola College- I made the mistake of asking Dan if he had seen the movie (which is on everybody?s shit list)- embarrassing when he says ?No?, and I have to say then I needn?t ask my question. In the dream, Jesus is holding forth- w  subtitles yet- and he addresses me, saying ?Look, clown??   

          10/4/'09- The more I ponder this- the more I see it to mean- I have maybe 20 more years. I have spent my life as a clown, always chasing others- other people, other ideas- I know I have depth- let me plunge and see what comes to greet me- rather than always going forward to greet- as would "a clown".


      Bread and Puppet Theatre Museum

                                                           Wm. Blake


10/25/08. 09?...at one point he rushes up into the black heavens and tears off some as if it were starry fabric (Orion is back in the morning night sky in Baltimore these days- I watch it every morning)-he comes back and lays it out like a big banner- it has a  star in the middle with some bars around it (like the flag) u.s.  blues, reds?


I ask him what did he mean by that line about the universe in a grain of sand was there a whole another small universe inside-and he asks me back a riddly kind of question-did I know the word Akhnaten? (Tut?s sun worshipping father)? Cute- as if that was all I needed to know-


We go behind a kind of wall of fabric- like Cristo?s- and I make a smart remark to him- ?Now we will see some of the artist?s tricks?- I think he will find that amusing.


Next he is strolling with a couple of other guys- (like we did in London with our Blake tour)  also he has left me a sheet of paper with a note at the bottom to give to some one  (I pick it up off the floor?) and I turn it over and notice that he has covered the whole back side with writing and I am amazed and delighted at my good fortune (me the autograph collector) - I decide to join him and the other guys (although he hasn?t been very talkative)- maybe I will glean some fascinating conversation- then I lose them in the crowd and also the piece of paper which I had put in a program (like the one I brought home recently after seeing the Bernstein ?Mass?) I am in a crowd but I find it


He looks like kind of a cross between Napoleon and Bob Clark- my old friend who took lsd- dream ends.



A comic? positive? a nice dream, for a change: I am touring Rimsky-Korsakov's house (it's sort of like Evergreen House here in Baltimore, which maybe it actually is, if it still exists). Don't remember the first part much, something about a person at the front desk. Am behind the house and actually run into Korsakov (he is very old); we walk around the grounds together and I have him all to myself (no one else is around, maybe I'll be able to get an autograph). I marvel at the great trees, he shows me the gardens, I lift up the delicate red flowers of a ?, they are like honey suckle but red, like the ? portrayed in one of my favorite plate/chromolithograph books, Thomas Meehan's Native Ferns and Flowers of the United States. I get his autograph, he writes slowly, it is difficult for him, the name is shaky, spidery. Some other tourist approach and I realize they are going to bug him too. The dream ends. Something about this dream is very positive, the very presence of K, the great trees! As I write this I remember being struck by K's wife in some picture, she was a great beauty wasn't she; I think I would have fallen in love with her had I been there. My respect for K is great, he looks like a beneficent Dr. in his photo, his bespectacled self. His music is so positive, his writings, one knows he would be sympathetic and one knows from the bios that he was supportive of radicals, just a bit. One knows he was a humanist. Like Bach, one of personkind's very greatest artists!!


Bread and Puppet Theatre museum 

Dream of 7/1- of a monster- alien- some other dreams in 7/5- only fragments remembered: I have spoken to Rimski, Jesus- some very important personages in my dreams?but I seldom remember what they say or it was very commonplace like, ?Pass the butter?.    

                                          Bob Dylan    

Freewebs doesn't seem to want me to coalesce this space? 

3/21/?- Speaking of Dylans: I dream that I am able to go up close to the stage of a Bob Dylan concert- ?Do you want to meet him??, some one asks during a break- ?Sure?. I talk to him; I ask him for an autograph, he seems reluctant- I say- ?Just give me your address then, I?ll write you?. One of the other band members starts to say ?Wood?, I guess meaning ?Woodstock?, N.Y?  ?Or?, I say seeing he remains reluctant, ?give me your agent?s address and I?ll write them?? Bob pulls a hat down over his face and dons one of those Long Ranger masks that cover the eyes. My interview is over and I must make my way to the back of the concert ?venue?. I had asked a girl I met at Phil?s trial in Towson about getting a Dylan autograph (he lived next door). She sent me one by Martin Sheen of ?The West Wing?, instead. Martin is one of the few Hollywood peaceniks. 

                                                                       Phil Berrigan                  

                5/18/?- several wonderful (quasi baroque) dreams last night: I listened to Bach Cantata 2 and 3 before I went to bed- in first dream, I am listening to a beautiful performance of the B Minor Mass- it is on a DVD- I think it was being acted out (or was it the St. M Passion which I saw acted out at BAM in Brooklyn ?) but it was very well done- like my John Eliot Gardiner DVD- at the end Mary Beth Marsden, local WMAR news anchorwoman and wife of friend who used to be in chorus and is C and my stock brocker, Mark McGrath, bursts in and says it was her DVD- she had gotten it from, of all people, Tom Daschle (Dem. Sen. From N. Dakota); 2nd dream relaters to work I think...I am in a sort of lava tube- floating down an underground river (on inner tubes?)- the "floating down rivers is a recurring dream motif)- how are there some kids coming the other way (or passing us) and, when they don?t answer my question,  I grab one and we sort of wrestle, to ask, how far is the exit?- an exit appears leading upwards- sort of like those tunnels they have in the Holland Tunnel that lead up? ?(at least they had them in that film with Sylvester Stallone); dream 3-  (I got a phone call earlier in the evening from the Sunpapers- they want to print my letter re the Iraq War) in the dream  Phil Berrigan tells me, ?Don?t write about the war yet, I?m getting a position paper together?.?, dream 4- best one of all- just before I get up- between 4 and 5 AM- these dreams must not take up much time as they occur in the brain?- I dream I am at Phil?s funeral- which I was- but the church is not like St. Peter Claver?s- it is more like a stadium- with pews going up steeply banked- a woman falls down one of the long sets of steep stairs ( stairs are another "motif" in my dreams, as is flying, the house on Ellerslie, the house on Hadley Sq., the farm) and I sort of float down the stairs to help her- she has fallen in a little pile of sand and is OK- we talk- I have my good, new suit on and, a hat?- my folks are going to attend and I spend some time finding out it there is an elevator because I am sitting in a balcony- it turns out there is a rickey one, hard to get to- the pulpit seems high up- a kind of dias- behind it sits a row of Plow Shares actors- one of whom is Tom Lewis- naturally- but they are smoking cigarettes!- one seems to have a sort of ornate (Mayan?) green, floral headress, which morphs wonderfully into a large paper mache fish! Like the ones in Chinese parades?- it is a hippy- guerilla, Bread and Puppet Theatre kind of thing- the fish- has it changed into a kindly dragon, like Puff? leans over a tree that is rather tall for an in church shrub- picks off an apple and drops it on the head of a giant who is playing the part of the War God- Mars- decked out in Roman legion outfit- he is acting (as in Spark skits) the fool- the stupid general- he starts to cut one of the branches off the tree- next we focus in the dream on where I am sitting-a camera crew approaches- are they going to interview me? I don?t feel ready- I take off my hat (too bourgeois)- or are they showing one of the many peace ?murals? hung up behind me and around the church- then the service is over? People seem to be exiting and I hear the theme of Fafner?s welling up (and beautifully sung)- from Wagner?s ?Siegfried?- I make an insouciant joke, calling out, ?What?s for breakfast, Fafner??

            Then I wake up! Was I hungry? This dream tops them all, as far as I can remember.

                                                                 William Kunstler

        date of ?- We are on a train together- going thr the west- at one point se see a bear- at another a great coiling (why does the brain do this?) pile of manure which I speculate on must b from an elk? K (whomn I have met) is telling me about the "Chicago 7" trial- how great the meals prepared by the hippy volunteer women were. (?) A book has just come out written by K's 2 daughters.

                                                          Black Mtn. seminal dream

           In one of my worst nightmare, I dreamt that, having climbed a mountain during the day, it was actually Black Mt. in New Hampshire; it is beside the much larger Mt. Mousilauke and used to have a ranger tower on top. I had to go back up it again AFTER DARK! I dreamt this when young but never forgot it; it seemed hauntingly meaningful, as if it would happen at some later point in my life, had yet to hapen. I kept trying to riddle it out, did it mean that I would have to begin all over again in life at some point, if I truly want to find out who I am? Hopefully not....that would be a lot of work! ne of the dreams I had bordered on a nightmare: as kids we had climbed Black Mtn., across the Connecticut River from W. Newbury where we summered...in New Hampshire, beside the much bigger Mt. Mausilauke. In the dream I was assigned the task of climbing Black Mtn. again, but in the dark. I figured this had to do with a journey which was symbolic- that in order to really know myself I would have to really let go or go through a huge task or so...Then, in '98 I returned to Black Mtn. with my brother Tim and Cathy also and climbed it in about four hours. From the top you could see north to Canada, to the west alot of Vermont and towards the presidential range further east in New Hampshire there was already snow on Mt. Lafayette. You could also see the lookout building on top of Cannon Mt. Was I relieved to have climbed it- I?ll tell you. 

I notice that as I grow older, dreams are not nightmares in the classic sense of something horrible happening- they are nightmares in the sense that they are tinged with, insinuated with loss- for example the loss of Cathy or the loss of job - it?s not like some one comes up in the dream and says ?You?re fired? or that the dream has a scene where Cathy runs away with Paco. One senses something horrible in my dreams.


The climb was an exorcism. I saw that Black Mtn. would indeed be climbable after dark, although one would want to have a flashlight! On the way down this second climb, ...we thought it might be a deer thrashing towards us in the undergrowth, but it turned out to be a young man. He had been to an obscure spot on the mountain where there was a cache of quartz crystals. He showed them to us, although he seemed a bit wary at first, as if we might want to go to the site and reach in for ourselves. He talked about his rock hounding for awhile. The crystals were awesome, and I told my psychologist when I got back to Baltimore, that in exorcising the demons we may meet pleasant surprises. But it was foolish to speak of exorcism; the old dream was still there in memory, it had merely been replaced with a memory of this more positive second climbing.


                                     Oberlin registrar's office (orifice? ) dreams 

Cathy has dreams also- but, she says, she doesn?t remember them. Is this because I am more obsessive? Dream of 7/5/2002. I think I?ve had something like this dream before. It is the ?dream of curricula?. I am at Oberlin- I have been there for a good part of the semester when I realize that I am not attending all the classes I am supposed to. I go to a registrar. She is going over the location of the courses I should have been attending; I can almost remember what were the subjects. She has the mien of a stern, what-have-we-got-here, a mien of an authority type person- a person who is upset or dismayed with my lack of progress. I realize that I may have to stay for part of an extra year to finish. There are others in line and I am embarrasses to hold them up. The dream ends as I step to the side to let a few of them take care of their business.  Upon waking, I remember that, yes, I had switched out of chemistry at Oberlin, realizing that it just wasn?t my ?cup of tea?. But was that switching symbolic? Is this a dream about not pleasing the father? 

           Where were the happier dreams?  Well, sometimes I dreamed I was flying, soaring, and weren't these happy dreams?, except when I was the bird (see above)  caught up in the musty V under some attic roof or in the one dream up in the eaves of Severance Hall at Oberlin College, trying but unable to get out (I think that the chorus was underneath me singing as I flapped miserably about).  

Another Oberlin dream- dreams of 8/20/? week: one I've had before: I'm at college (Oberlin) and am engaged in many activities but for some reason have not been going to basic classes- by now in the year it is too late to join and catch up- is the class that I have been missing in Government?, Chemistry?- I will have to go to the Registrar's office just to find the room numbers- this dream seems to be some kind of guilt dream- that I am not doing something that I'm supposed to; what is it? because I am away (at the farm) this week, is it taking care of Chris? is it that I am reminded of college by the dorm style sleeping we do at the farm? am I supposed to be a minister like my brother? in my father's eyes? I do not think that it is any of these things- but what is it that nags at me?


I came to think that I had a lot of Oberlin dreams possibly because my brain was going through some kind of change at that time- not that it was that crucial of a time- but it was crucial ?amongst the synapses.? Is that feasible- need to ask a what would the word be?


a couple of dreams; week of 8/27/01: another of the back at Oberlin dreams- this time reporting to the kitchen for work in some fashion; 2) a dream inspired by horror movies- some one (is it a skeleton?) is holding up a backbone with rib cage attached; the rib cage flexes as if flying, as if alive; it flies towards another skeleton that is lying on its back- it attacks- it attacks the area of the skeleton lying down at its genitals- there is a great scurry as the bones scatter everywhere- all is lost, all is truly dead. I fear the influence of that dreadful film of Clive Barker?s here- ?Hellraiser?.

Topic: dave translates "hell raiser part 2"- o i hope it's true- more to come  (Read 96 times)

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dave translates "hell raiser part 2"- o i hope it's true- more to come

« on: June 28, 2010, 09:27:59 AM »

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"Fairy tales? My father didn't believe in them either."

A rorshach of blood on a mattress,

A modern skull trepanning- piece removed, "a

Traumatized girl"; "she witnessed

Her family murdered"....the cenobites?

Could they really exist? O I hope so!

Good and evil in a box with raised ridges,

Beaded ridges- the pieces of which

Were they fitted together

Would click like a poem and give meaning!

"You have to destroy that mattress;

Julia could come back like Frank did..."

The box like Piranesi prisons most of all

Like Escher- the intertwined staircases?

Elevators going down- below Maintenance level

Below Basement- there are floors

Where patients never stop screaming!

Far below: "Am in Hell- Help me",

Inscribed in blood on a wall:

If I taste your blood would the Pinhead

Possess me? Destroy the mattress!






7/29/9 (I skip from 01 to 09?)  I finally make it to the bursar's? office at Obie- a young man who is behind the counter sort of jokes with me- am I having a Thoreau type moment and have to leave school to go to the woods- to meditate? I am allowed upstairs to see Ms. ?- supposedly very understanding- she seems to be running a kind of chatzcke shop- or plant shop- is going around arranging things- I sit down and start to mumble about classes missed, a feeling that I did not attend some classes and would have to mae them up (which never happened at Oberlin! as far as I can remember- gradually a morph into the scene that there are other chairs facing this woman and other folks are sitting in them- listening to me- I ask is there a private room to which we can repair? Dream ends. Again, my brain must have been going through important changes at this time. But actually all I did at Oberlin was carouse and have a good time!


                    Traveling without wheels or tracks dreams (lack of direction?)


2 dreams- this morning (10/1/?): we are on a subway car or train car with no windows. The conductor or fare collector let's us go up to ride on the top so we can see! It's fascinating watching the landscape comes towards us and at one point we go under a bridge which is one of those erector set trestles and have to lie down so that the top most braces don't hit us. At another point we're at night. We notice that as the ground comes speeding towards us- that in places there are no tracks- one place we go out over water and the rail way is very junky w no tracks- at other places there is only one rail on one side of the track. We descend down into the car and the dream ends as we have come to a station? and have a long discussion w the conductor as to why there are no tracks. He says there are tracks. We say we thought that trains had metal wheels that fit on tracks. He implies that the wheels are rubber. He turns to some engineers who are also having a meal- is it breakfast? They are laughing. They begin discussing the fine points with us. This dream could have to do with the coming war and the lack of a leader but I think it has more to do with my interpretation of the reality - the future- coming towards me.


The other night I dreamt that I had caught some fish and as I held up the line with the fish they morphed into a bunch of dogs with hooks in their backs and the lines like leashes! What is my mind coming to? The influence of that dreadfully powerful horror film- ?Hellraiser? part II. Must google Clive B- whatever has happened to him? has he been eaten alive by a serial killer like Jeff Dahmer? Will let you know! His films put forth some of the most potent images.


                                          Penus obsession dreams

  Bread and Puppet Theatre Museum


Dream of 3/ 13/?- a dream worthy of Dali- giant sea slugs- the erasure of memory- my foot has been hurting- right toes- gout most likely- too much cooking sherry, alcohol, rich foods- first dream (not the Dali dream (but aren?t they all?) is of some kind of event-is it a funeral? I am to read my poetry- my parents are sitting before me, looking up expectantly-I will please them?-I have definite poems in mind but can?t remember which upon awakening-I go to find the first one- long pause as I shuffle- I can?t find it!- well, I admit it- will go on to another- can?t find that one either- shuffling the pages seems endless- finally, I must sit down-people gasp (in shame? No- I have been honest- I admit I can?t find them)- this is a dream of fear of forgetting, of alzheimers? Of losing one?s mind? Is it the effect of the ibuprophen (sp?) I took for my foot?


2nd Dali dream happens in the ghettoes of Baltimore-I have walked for some time down an alley/boulevard in the abandoned, boarded up area of town- street is overgrown- ivy on cobble stones-yards with many catalpas- that strange southern tree (is this its northernmost reach?)- at the end of my walk down the alley  I can see City Hall in the distance, bathed in its lights-I want to go back- I feel lonely- back to where my brother! Is working on his sculpture!- I know I will feel better once I?m back with family-I was a poet I am feeling, an artist who no longer composes-I am thinking Mahler but even more I get a strong feeling of Poe!-I reach the ?warehouse?, but, it has morphed into a fish market!- like the Lexington Market- Faidley?s- (he even had muskrats)- earlier, on Sat. , a program on the radio that mentions an early English scientist (geologist?) who made a practice out of eating strange animals- had eaten sea slugs (found that the one that tasted the worst was the common garden mole)- anyway- this is a busy market with shell fish (like horseshoe crabs?) the meat taken out- the shells flopping about-the meat is neatly bottled on shelves-a group of men are pushing a large sea creature- it is the size of a civil war submarine- torpedo shaped (or a turd?)-like a papaya cut in half- with writhing feet, it sort of goes where the men are pushing it-- like a starfish-they are pushing it towards a flat bed truck where another of its species lies, wrapped-probably, I am thinking, the Asians eat little bits of it like shark fin or in soups- but this is so large- what is it, I ask a foreman who looks kind of like a lumberjack- a ?crum?- he answers- ?they live in the canyons?- more like a giant sea slug, I think- there are some other giants lying nearby- big bud like mussels- giants, also

I wake up missing Cathy- go to get her- after this dream I get a strong feeling of Chris- how desolate must his life be?-mine is full of meaning, but his?- this is sad, although the dream does not feel that horrible or menacing.

Sea slug a phallic symbol?

I feel I have been selected, but for what?

dream of morning of 10/23/?- obviously a dream about my dick- I am taking a bath, there is a fish in the bath water- I play with it- I hold it out of the water and realize it is dying- Chris enters the dream- did I show it to him? at one point it fights back, extending its limbs like wings like the flying fish have- I realize- it can bite- it flaps towards me. I know what these fears are about.

                                         Nightmare dreams

Bread and Puppet Theatre Museum 


Dream of  8/30/?- a nightmare: The state is framing me- relating to my job at the Jail- they are claiming that I have had weekenders (I am in charge of persons sentenced to weekends at the Jail)- to do work in my neighborhood that would benefit me personally- filling in pot holes on the road and such; it seems some one in O.A.R. has testified against me- I am being barred from my office which turns out to be in the old Eastern High Sch. building (which was across from where I used to live on Ellerslie Ave.)- a sort of brusque man reminiscent of the FBI is leading me out and at one point he drops the maroon bag I use as a brief case- down the side of the building from quite a height- my brain seems to go merrily along creating this stuff independently -now I will have to defend- get a lawyer- I will fight- it?s me against the state again- or, I worry in the dream- will I be helpless again as I was when I was depressed-this dream uses detains from the past such as when I had to testify against Tim Wilton who had done something for weekenders if they paid him and reminiscent of the whole bounty hunter Wade Adams affair that involved OAR at the Jail when I was on trial and, also, the recent dismissal of the Commissioner here at the Jail and the fact that they are probing his spending- which touched on me in that I had to do invoices for our entertainment. 

Dream of 2/ 14 /? or so- another horror dream- now dead brother Jonathan and me driving cars around  in a swimming pool (typical dream juxtaposition) and his car turns over! (in another dream Chris goes under water)- I want to help him but seem oddly paralyzed to do it- is it that I go to get help when I should just dive in and pull him out? On the evening of 2/15 I watch a movie- ?The Ring?- and it jolts me into a consideration of dream images- of important human things- death, madness. I think of my son, Chris, when he was 19 or so away at Fordham losing his mind. I did not know- what could I more have done? Rushed to his side. But I wouldn?t have known what was wrong. I should have known. Then, I would not have known what to do, even if I had figured out that he was undergoing the onset of schizophrenia. Thank God that he did not end up in some asylum like the one in this movie- or the one in ?Hell Raiser? Part 2. The images in ?The Ring? are so dream like- so evocative- horses, ladders, water, lighthouses, endless rain- the images on the fearful video that kills are evocative- an autumnal tree, the customary flies or maggots coming out of something dead- the cylinder on the end of a long string that the heroine pulls out of her mouth- the stone well- the corpse of Samarra (a demon?) that collapses into decay when the heroine pulls it out of the water-just like the corpse of the woman in the back of the car as it is lifterd out of the water in the movie ?Ghost Story?.


I think of my own depression- I think of my brother two days before he died- how he looked- that fixed wild stare- these things that humans do not- do not want to talk about. All is so shallow. Out life is indeed a ghost story- as we hang out for a bit, as Auden says, on a wind whipped cornice over the void.

inadequacy dream of 9/7/9- I am sharing a small, dorm style room with some wonderfully smooth prep boy- shades of Mt. Hermon. shades of J David Petersen of Bill Stevenson- two beautiful guys I admired- and am getting ready for the big dance! Also, it turns out, I must go see a new house I may buy and may have to make the decision today. "Wear those nice shoes", some adviser says! I fumble in the closet for my good suit- the closet is shared by me and the jock style boy- I can't find the suit. I start to lace up the shoes, but must start from scratch, and the laces are incredibly long- thin like vermecelli or thread. The girl I am to go up with is a stunner- an Ekaterina Gordeyeva type- I am apprehensive- what if I stumble and make verbal jaffes?!? I am glad to wake up from this one and have the thought- well, at least I had a date with such a creature. How did I manage that. Of course, all my close lady friends HAVE been stunners. At least they stunned my ass.


                          5/9/9 to Ida (pronounced Ee-dah) (47 million year old fossil)


poem started in a dream dedicated to 



Bless all star voyagers from the Messel Pit:

The small Creodont, early Pangolin,

Marsupials, lemur like prosimians,

Elegant early hedgehogs, jewel beetles,

The Messel bird, enigmatic owl and hawk combo!

The Massillaropter, hoopes, hopping horses....


Bless these fossils, but bless especially

Ee-dah- Darwinius Masillae, my Ida!

Who stood at a fork in the road pointing HUMAN!

Bless Ee-dah who for 47 million years

Until pulled from the quarry on a shale slab,

Slept dreaming- bless all travellers! I dream


Of a blue city in the distance- my home-

Purposeful, realized, I can see it

Far way in blue haze, Oz-like from this rest stop

On the thruway in the mountains- I can't get there!

No access to on ramp- stuck in the parking lot....

Like Ida on her bier,  resin around me like amber.


O strange sad condition- endless travel, suddenly stopping,

Never getting anywhere! Ee-dah were you heading

Towards the apes-humans or the lemurs?

O Ida, Ee-dah where are we going? in what direction?

The asphalt of parking lots a calm, dark blue,

The blue city on the plains mirage blue.


words left out- Eocene, glowing (as w insects in amber)



not a dream but another love of nature poem:


Subject: Spaceship "Darwin" to planet "Newton", a puzzling, broken up, staticy(sp)  intercepted message:

"Darwin 4 to base: past giant wheels in space-
Galaxies, barred galaxies, globular clusters,
Galaxies like plates, like daisies, sea jellies...
47 million year old fossil- "Ida" from
The Messel Pit- the archeropteryx discovered
In its shale,  now extinct connecting links between species.. .
Branching tree of life in Darwin's (my namesake's)notebook...
 Crick looking at his double helix model- DNA....
Design in nature, an orang's thumb.....
My namesake at the London zoo befriending ape....
Yesterday, past Eta Carinae, thru gas jets, dust storms....
Star birthing regions in Orion belt,
Beyond the Pleiades, past Messier 914....
No longer glued to its rock, barnacle style,
What once was a free swinging creature
Now walking upright on savannahs; We've
Swung low to Newton, thru its atmosphere-
To find nothing but forests, like the Borneo forests:
Life full, abundant, with whole glowing zones
At night,  glow pulsing rythmically with
Florescent lakes, rivers as if firefly heaven,
Communicating with us, it would seem...
As if brain synapses firing- strong intelligence indication...
Spider probes launched.....over and out."




frog in bog



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Here should be said something about The Wachula (?) Woods Accord, a book by poet Charles Siebert (?) about our relations w animals- he writes of whales, of chimps. Rilke's  "Surely the shrewd animals realise"   our exile by language; we left the garden- the distancing language does; the tragedy of langue?; our sense of exile; Siebert says our sense that "we did something wrong"? is ridiculous;  the chimps bring him back in touch w his animality; the break in evolution between us and chimps!;

Siebert visits a chimp retirement home- Bubbles,  Michael Jackson's chimp is there- no J Fred Muggs-

a poem must be done on this 


dream of 10/12 or so/9- my nite time brain keeps on ticking at 68, tho body grows stiffer- i'm on mars or some exo planet or other-very much like earth except- and here i see the influence of having browsed a book at Red Emmas entitled- a debate- Noam Chomsky and Michael Foucault!-the people on this planet are different from us in the way they deal with free will and determinism?!?!? there is travel- some nice suburban areas, some ratty towns- there is one sci-fi element- towers that are very high with laser like rays extending upwards in diff directions.


10/19/09-a I don't know what to do or what I'm doing dream- I'm working at a place where I don't fit in- I go out over lunch jogging and realize as I come back that I can't go in in my running togs- shorts etc.- I go around to the back entrance but a door leads to an office where they would plainly throw me out or raise a stir.


10/29/'09--I'm late to the dining hall and can't find a clean plate- frustrating element so common in my dreams. as 1/25/10- travelling on a super hwy - strange series of cut offs- i stop at a gas station- can see where to go in the flow of traffic- altho it isn't easy- start out- it is night- it is icy- I HAVE NO LIGHTS! (is this a death ppppppremonition dddddddream?)


11/24/09- another frustrating dream- I'm with my brothers and there seems to be a question about  who is going to move into the parent's home? Where are the parents? There is an element of competition- my brain is playing with me- teasing/tormenting- all this happening before I knew who I was.


12/8/09- Drowning--A friend starts down an icy slope toward the sea- he slips and goes in- but now I'm with a friend and the boy who slipped in is Chris- my schizophrenic son- have I mentioned him before? He comes up once but only into an ice floe where he cannot emerge and back down he goes. My friend swims in after him- then I take a grand, swooping dive and go after the two-down, down we go and I can see my friend beneath me- also a wallet that belonged to Chris? some possession of his- sinking, sinking- there's no sign of Chris (is my friend sort of Filipino? like Tom Reyes?)- the descent seems to take forever w no sign of Chris beneath us- we aren't catching up- but then we reach a lunar landscaper bottom and there Chris sits- pale- like a hairless dog- like a homunculus- no movement. My friend grabs him and we start back up- me beneath holding onto both of them to give more propulsion-breath is running out! Finally we burst up and out- he is alive!!  .....this dream not hard to interpret!


12/26/9-I am not in prison but helping at the gate- it becomes necessary to ferry in a child on a pretext- what pretrext? so that it can see it's real mother? I get arrested- other part of the dream I am IN prison- negotiating with other inmates over something- can't remember what.


1/25/10- too predictable- I am joining Phil and Tom in a court room situation- Tom jokes with me about the pompous bailiff and how he will search me- when i enter the court room he actually does take me out to search me- tells me "you are a known terrorist"- somehow i am back in the court room w tom and various of his paintings- the judge queries me abt the paintings- the dream ends w "CLEAR THE COURT"


 2/5/10-  a wrestling match at the end- me and another guy- funny how the people in a dream can remain amorphous- he (Dave P?)  wins- we are fighting over a woman-Louise?  at the end i just give in- realise it is  not worth it- give the woman her freedom, or, I have better things to do-  have the thot after waking? that I am fighting w a part of myself!


3/2/10- was it the anchovies I ate last night? horrific dreams- in one the house nxt door catches on fire- then- the barn I'm in- (like barn at farm?)- intricate lattice work of beams burning up- futile stuggle to subdue- influence of earthquate in Chile? (story by Kleist) -am left outside- no where to lay my head- then another dream w the usual journey on a boat this time thru jagged industrial landscape- Max Ernst style- then thru huge recogeneration plant- w giant coils and electrical plugs and machinery- a person on another boat awaits to snag me- he is going to subject me to "Hellraiser" movie type tortures- hooks ripping flesh and so on. Good God- I am so glad to wake up after this sh t!


3/? I am flying in a glider with Bill Stevenson- BUT- we seem to have trouble rising- we are near the Pacific ocean but we get stuck close to the ground- we end up stymied in traffic- nosing up against the automobile in front


3/10/10 Lately- I am fighting large predatory beasts- tigers, being attacked by them, being munched upon- this am-I take a wrong train- a local when I meant to take the express- I end up short of my destination- may we stop the thru train and I can hop on? this stop is very dingy, desolate, dirty- wait! across the tracks some large animal moves- a deer? finally we identify it up in a tree- it is a leopard or a tiger and it plops down and attacks me- at a later point we are able to cut its tail- does it symbolise my addictions?


3/17/'10- at last a dream that ends on a positive note-so rare-  we dream just before we wake up- something to do w rem? anyway- a woman arises to walk beside me- (I don't remember the rest of the dream)- I am drawn to her strongly- I will fall in love w this one- she has big brown eyes- does she have a Texan drawl- does this have to do w the recent death of Suzanne Meyers (see my poem on Hollywood Cemetery and Edgar Poe- Suzanne is in that poem)- or is this Cathy walking beside me?- RIP Suzanne- black hair, brown eyes, big breasts-too much- was our breaking up "difficult" as some one says? I can't even remember the details! There was Jane, there was Suzanne, Katy, the gal from Baltimore County- what was her name? I have the photos in my scrap book- but none of Katy or Suzanne.


dream of 4/6/10- am visiting w my mom-where?-louise and i had been together in this house- but it had only been temporary-where did louise go? "she's down w david"- i realise and say, woefully-(distinctly remembering how open l was- how fun to f ck) but w full sadness and realisation- " i'll just have to find some one else, then"- i realise that will be very hard to do- to find some one as special as louise- i wake up or, close to waking up i remember that i found cathy! 


5/6/10 this morning gout in my big toe- the wine i drank last night- and it was NON ALCOHOLIC- I think my dreaming brain may be a prankster-Oberlin is a symbol of some sort- but what? a challenge? but Oberlin was easy after Mrt. Hermon- the dream has it all wrong- the Peace Corp- now that was a challenge-maybe my brain meant the Peace Corp- or, just going out into the world from staying w the folks...

Anyway- the dream- I have decided I'm not going back to Oberlin-the courses are too duplicative of what I already know- I am talking w my father- I tell him- by the time I've taken the physics, the humanities- all that stuff that makes one well rounded- I will have forgotten it any way- better just go out into the world and get cracking w some experience- (of course I didn't do this when I left the Peace Corp but stayed at the folks writing poetry!- nothing practical- I remember one of my lines- "May my life be full of animals and Brahms"- yeh thad b nice...my father looks at me from across the table and responds cryptically: "but don't lace up the one shoe without" - something about "lacing up the other?"


5/10/10-in the unfinished business dept.,  another dream w pops in it; there was a lot more but before I woke up, I am sitting across from pop and he is sorting through and eating some roast pears (which I doubt if he ever did) ! I have a proud feeling as I ask him, realising I never showed such fellow feeling when he was alive: "How are you feeling?"


6/18/10--a hideous nightmare- closing in on me- industrial landscapes- a town some where in Maryland w crumbling institution/ palaces, terraced on hillsides (like Cumberland?) but no where I have been- like in the recent horror movie "Shutter Island"- all being torn apart, renovated with piles of crap and odd engines plowing though it all- narrolwly missing me- as I search for a road out and keep getting into different scrapes- I was talking with Chris George at our poetry reading last night about his commuting between Baltimore and DC where he sees the backs of warehouses and factories and the most runinous parts of the big cities-like the recongeneration plants along the N J Turnpike around Newark Airport- and the usual Max Ernst landscapes, wierd vehicles- giant borers or the kinds of trucks they have at copper mines almost running me down, some times I am in tunnels that seem to be getting narrower- is this a foreshadowing death dream?


6/24/10--I enter a womewhat formal but small apartment- like the one L and I had on Madison St.? but in New York? w a coat rack? I have lost my bearings (I think I am afraid of Alzheimers). Trying to remember where I parked the car. Feel presence of Louise- there are some other guys there- formally fedoraed and overcoated? Where am I? Why are dreams so damn inconclusive? I wonder if not having had the shit I have when I awake makes a difference? that bolus of turd in the colon? There's a lot of nerves down there. One feels clear headed once one has the shit. This am- nothing but blood. But my turds are tite lately- lost 5 lbs on the vacation in France and Spain. Colon also shrinks.




notes to b fleshed out- a dream leaving a very pleasurable feeling- seems worthy of several Korngold operas- at last the reasons why Louise left me? (this was my wife who died a few months ago and with whom I had good relations, but never quite feel like I knew all the reasons why she left me- altho I knew many and plenty and mostly why)...at last freedom from that feeling of desertion, of unworthiness-I am being taken to a mansion to see her and her new husband by ? (her aides?) (she has risen in power?)- the mansion turns out to be grand- like a palace. In the lobby two distinguished black men eyeing each other suspiciously- one pulls out a gun- have they escaped from prison?..I am whisked to the main banquet/party and taken up to a head table where I realise...shock...Louise is sitting with her new husband (not Dave P- who was devastated by the death)  (but they are not together!)- he is tall, light skinned black guy like Obama- clearly some one I respect and admire and fear not- Louise is gracious, welcoming me as you would an old friend).   I sit down and realise, well- they are both beautiful- I am happy for her gain- her decision- I WOULD MARRY THIS GUY- he is about to engage me in pleasentries- I have an urge to say, "I have a tale of my own"- as if we share L in friendship, not jealousy.



9/16  "warm night. We went into Hunai Road Junction where the 3 Berembang trees I have marked. The one previously marked 433 do have fireflies display. The estimated count is about 150 individual. I cannot sample the fireflies due to high water, and we cannot reach the tree.

Then we go to Nusah expecting the Gurah tree is having any display. We reach the tree and were disappointed there is no display in this tree. I scanned the distance trees along the River but there is no display seen. We went in to Nosa River Junction and scanning all trees all along Nusah river. There are no fireflies Display.

We went out of Nusah disappointed. We reach the Manjelin Bridge and turn left to go along Manjelin road and cross Jangalas River. A single tree to the right as we enter the junction has a display of about 20 individuals. We went in and spotted a lone firefly.

We reach a dead end, and back track to where we came in." I include this becuase I google "Gur hah" and come up with this site on fireflies in Sarawak The reason I google it is because in a dream last night- my father was cutting down what I thought was a nice tree outside of a house- my house? I took the chance to ask the tree man/ arborist about a tree at my neighbor's which we have both pondered- what type of tree is it? It has bark like a sycamore's except that the bark is orangish- (I remember the Mindanao Gum trees in Hawaiii w interestingly colored bark like the sycamore's also!) The guy says, "Why- that's a Gur ha tree."


I think I am going to have to go to Indonesia- I'm sure of it. I wrote a poem about Sarawak back in the days when I was training in the Peace Corps. Are dreams PRESCIENT OR WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?


dream, 10/16/10--2 frustration dreams- in one I am trying to get home from some camp or farm or other and there has been a huge snow- like the ones we had last winter- my bed room is full of snow- my bed has maybe a foot or two on it; 2 - I am trying to get to Goucher College- is it for a poetry reading?- I take the wrong route, upon retracing my steps to the beginning after hours I am told I can hop on a bus and make it in a couple of blocks! are these death dreams?


10/?/10- I am trying to pack up and leave a camp-Lake Chesuncook? Pennsylvania?- I have dropped my keys thru a slat in the barn floor (it's Pa.)- I must go down to under area and retrieve the keys- they have fallen into a specially closed off area (like a closet)- I can see them shining under A MASS OF SPIDER WEBS   (so my brain is capable of adding on torments) (when does it ever add on easements?)- the webs, naturally, have spiders in them- not just one- many- I reach in and grab the keys- some spiders bite me-

They look like the deadly "brown recluse" spiders!?!?!?!?

Why is my6 brain fiendishly good at making up the bad stuff and not the bad stuff- (law of physics in here?)


11/24/10- I begin to see, now that I am retired- my whole career at the jail float off as if it were a dream- the period I have frustration dreams about so much- what rooms would I be in at the dorms of Mr. Hermon Prep and then Oberlin College, what courses to take?- all seem to me to have to do with a period of seminal gestation- between the age of 13 and 23- Oberlin representing tons of freedom after repressive Mr. Hermon- then, after Oberlin, dropping out of the Peace Corps where I was training at Georgetown to go to Ethiopia, and living with the folks not KNOWING WHO I AM AND WHAT I WOULD BECOME and SEARCHING.........SEARCHING. I returned to the prep school to teach for several years, then went into the civil rights movement- remembering the activism of Oberlin- and meeting the two mentors- Walter Carter and Phil Berrigan who would show me HOW TO BE.  That led to a career in criminal justice- activism and helping others which only firmed up beliefs and ideals I had gotten all along- from the church and poetry.


12/23/10- I go to Eddie's Liquors and for some reason the previous owner- Arnold- lives upstairs but the stairway up there has crumbled from the wall- but I am trying to go up-  then, another recent dream has to do with the house where we lived at 3004 N Calvert St.- but there also- the stair way up to the floor where I live has crumbled away-and I am trying to get there!-  the repetition of this image- like the unfinished stairway in R L Stevenson's "Kidnapped"- I think a shrink could explain what this means- but I cannot!  ? something to do with unrealized, unfinished business? or the futility of desire or of attempting? GOOD LORD... what is it? We all come to naught in the end?


also some imagery re the apartment on the top floor at 1118 St. Paul- (this figures commonly in my dreams)-(there was an elevator between 1118 and 1120 in the back- it could open up both ways) (and once I left- having been asked to go by Louise- (but you could also go up by a stairwell in 1118) (and the brain surgeon had committed suicide in his office on the second floor)....sometimes I picture an apartment nxt to this- at 1120 St, Paul...sometimes I dream abt it without L in it, or w L in it- it seems that the places I have lived get morphed into the compartments of my brain?


week of 2/25 and 22/10-- one evening is rich w dreams- but they are contrasting- in one I have helped solve the middle east Israeli/Palestinian conflict- at the end I am firing my kalshnikov up into the air- in the other it is a more typical dream of late- a dream of frustrating loose ends- I can't get it together, dissolution, end of the world, Cormac Mccarthy type apocalyptic world (a recent movie made of one of his novels) , our self destructive side!


I realize that the recurring themes of Mt. Hermon and Oberlin are but a shelf to put stuff on,  or a peg to hang stuff on- in that- I my dream is a going back to one or the other school but the folks there are from later in my life- John from the camp, and Pat from O.A.R.- in other words- the schools represent to my brain a big time of change and decision making- as does my parents' house where I went after I dropped out of the Peace Corp- so perhaps, now that I am retired, my brain goes back to those periods and tries to figure out what to do nxt!


dream of 3/18/11- I dream that I've flunked out of Oberlin because I can't pass physics. In actuality, I quite chemistry after 3 days at Oberlin and took Geology- which I throughly enjoyed- those fossil field trips! the sedimentary rocks of Ohio- it was great!


dream of 4/17/11-There seems to be a part of my dreams that returns to a frustrating, not- knowing what to do next- with my life- and being kept from getting to any conclusion- like I felt after leaving the Peace Corps in '62- this dream I am pondering what to do after college- others are going to grad school- they are continuing on- me? I am returning home to Md. down through Pennsylvania; the super hwy splits and I go to the rt.- westward- which turns into a horrible lot of construction with the de reigeur giant machinery buzzing close to me- I have to hitch a ride and it is with a bunch in a truck- then I have to get off into a kind of motorcycle side car; it can take the shoulders but perilously close to belts moving by and fantastic machinery-narrow spaces- tunnels where there is only room for one and what if some one is coming from the other side- awful congestion- and the interchanges between me- the preppie- and the other working class guys- we are jammed together like sardines-we come to a large city- also terribly congested- but opening out into classier boulevards- the captain of our "ship"- who seems nice- tells me that Harrisburg is "that way"; all the time I am wondering about my future and I am aware of it being now- i.e. 4/17/11 and I still have not done anything with real control, real direction!! But I have ! I have taught- having left the parents home- followed my nose into the movement, gotten arrested, worked in criminal justice for 33 years!

Is it now that I'm retired I reminded of having "nothing to do"? Or wondering afresh- which way to go? Is it the drugs I am taking for my sciatica that are nibbling at my central nervous system? That's what the pharmacist says. I like him. He says that "physical therapy" is best. Alan Reese recommends lemon juice.


dream- ( homage to the contest in the "meistersingers")  dream of 5/26/11    -some kind of audition to get into (an arts school?)..the guy who makes movies has a wonderful presentation, the woman dancer is superb, the singer, the novelist, etc.


now it is my turn: i am tongue tied...i am going to get up there and say "and now- a poem"?  read a poem?!?!? doesn't seem like a very good idea


my solution? it is to Be Revolutionary- challenge each to reveal him or herself honestly- say as exactly as possible what is on his or her mind- i will do the same


what turns out?  this IS A POEM!!!  the contest winner!!!


dreams/ 7/19/11- due to that awful cheap white wine yesterday? more frustration stuff- i'm walking on a barn floor- covered w needles- for some reason, at least- not w the pricky side up- heads up, 2- i cannot find where i parked the car (this a common leitmotif lately)- i wake up and realize i was in the dream from the beginning without having brought a car!, 3 i am a teacher of young kids- i must take some home (little girls)- where do they live? do they know- one's skull has been halved as in some horror movie- her brain is exposed as she lies on the floor- i am glad to be awake after such dreams and realize there will be the light of day


7/26/11- shards, fragments, a jumble all that is remembered when I wake: the things we have lost brought back/ teaching drama to creative high school students/my mother's little church and community in Port Clyde, Me/my ex wife L:ouise- a person of purpose nxt to me- the follower/getting on the wrong bus and having too much to carry- cumbersome apparatus- like a bike rack/bus only goes up Charles St. so far/ no keys to get back into the old row house on Ellerslie/I go to bed at night and it is made up- in the morning it is a mess and I am entangled/what I have explored I can't talk about it/Cathy speaks of having allies and by that she means political allies- fellow revolutionaries who have your back.


7/27 or so- a dream of unpreparedness- in this dream I get a real feeling of what it is to go into battle- I am a soldier-I am uploaded into a transport truck that is taking us to the plane- we are in the plane for a Normandy type landing- as in the wonderful WW II movies,  "Band of Brothers" or "Saving Private Ryan"- I am aware of  having been in combat before- problem is- I have no weapon!?!- a fellow soldier pats his breast to indicate that he has a handgun stowed away...I have nothing- at the end of the dream.

I am feeling around to my back pack and asking a fellow soldier to check for me- "do I have a parachute?"- and we are getting ready to JUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


              8/ 7-back to the Oberlin dream- a class has been shifted to far across campus; I'm going to cut it- at last I get to visit the Oberlin College registrar to ask some questions- (something that has reoccurred in my dreams as a task to do and which I do not do). It is early in the year. I finally find the entrance to the Registrar's office after going around the building. The lobby is filled with twirling gold figures out of Egyptian sculpture and art- there is more than one lobby-at the main reception desk are outlandishly costumed and coifed secretaries (was Oberlin that wild after Mt. Hermon?)- just that my brain went thru some changes at that point in its development?
             There is an extended interchange w the secretaries that I can't remember.
             The earliest appointment she can give me is for March 8. And I have a lot of serious questions about my future, my schedule, etc, etc.etc.
              I actually go to the registrar's office upon returning to Oberlin for a reunion planning committee meeting in Sept., 2011- the registrar shares a chuckle at my recounting of the Oberlin dreams.

              In my Oberlin dreams I am searching for something. I guess myself- up until the blood pouring or, maybe- my founding of  Offender Aid and Restoration- I did not know who I was- not until I started supporting myself monetarily. I considered suicide (at Georgetown in the Peace Corps); I dabble in poetry as I had at Oberlin. I think that once I retired- no longer ?worked? for a living- these motifs returned with a vengeance in my dreams.

           8/17/11- Everything seems to be going alright in my life- my schizophrenic son has a job and takes his meds- my retirement is a non stop party- so why the dreams?  Impending death? Last night- at one point I am faced with: 1) having to get on a elevator that is stuck half way down in the space where the door opens- 2) I'm at a banquet and must scrounge around for a plate- all of them are dirty and most are broken or 3) they are moving my office into a closet in the sunny room where I am- prosecutor or public defender or some one more important needs it and is telling me as various of her staff come in to look things over- this desk stays here- she points to my neat desk in the center of the room.
            9/19-I am helping a friend evade the law in a small apartment- he is either a Baader or a Berrigan figure- at the end of the dream I try hard to remember what he did- but I don't think that was in the dream- something momentous-is he my lover? There is a sexual component to the dream- the law breaks in (FBI type figures). Dreams are like the past- I try to reconstruct them in memory- I know there are more details but cannot remember. One of the thuggish law enforcement types fu ks my friend from behind...I throw a pack of condoms away (to avoid what?)- I get the feeling they are trying to show that he is gay?!?! ...or they are just brutal soldier type rapists. they take him. I am trying to escape out some side stairs and am apprehended- the rest of this dream vividly recounts the process of being taken- will there be press- "O yes they are waiting"- there are curious onlookers. They throw us into the back of a truck like sacks of potatoes. My friend is there also.  At one point a person jabs my hand repeatedly to get a blood sample- with some sort of scapel (sp)? At one point a person whose skull has been wounded is dealing with me- I try to be friendly and say "Semper Fi"- he says something to me I can't recall. At times I put my hands together in front of me and say "Namaste" or "peace".  We are taken through the streets and I see one sympathizer, student type- a stout woman sort of hiding behind a tree. The enforcement officers wonder are there more sympathizers around? We go through some kind of classroom where bodies are being dissected- elements of a sci fi or horror film. Wierd handcuffs are attached- sort of a bolt between my two hands. We get to an interrogation room- the nurse is also sympathetic- smiles at the peace sign. The dream is very impactful- I awake with a strong feeling of fear, but before I awake I remember thinking- where's the steel- meaning the steel of a backbone! . I go to Cathy's bed for some comfort and remember how Jesus said to forgive not just 7 times but 7 x's 70. How hard it is to forgive our enemies! I tell Cathy that although it was easy to feel right in the 60's, I was only sure that Phil was right- not so sure about myself. Was this a fear of the unknown dream...coming death? Coming big changes? I wonder about a possible villanelle- How hard it is to forgive- and yet possibly the best way to live.

10/23/11- It's all so obvious in the end- the themes of redemption and forgiveness- the themes in "Parsifal"- Liszt and Wagner sitting in a garden overlooking the Mediterranean in Italy with the baby palms, the oleander- talking and joking about the past (this in the movie "Wagner") - Liszt taking orders- becoming an Abbe?- my father, forever trying to convert me as he was converted- in this dream we are in a lobby of prep school or college (or maybe it is the visiting room at prison where I have been fasting and he is impressed)- and he says, "Why don't you do a person in need a favor and help him renounce all the careless and sinful living"- and I look at him with a bit of derision and say: "and that would be who"? knowing that he is going to say- you- meaning me. It is all so obvious- like the fog that lies in the Connecticut Valley at the beginning of the day and then burns off, or the fog that envelopes Pacific Grove every morning- sweeping in over the fuchsias- and then later up off of them.


A couple of recent dreams (11/11)  concerned the jail and I put them at the end of the Offender Aid and Restoration material.


11/30/11-The dream starts off in the usual sour way- I am leaving home to go to Mt. Hermon- (loss of freedom theme) but then it takes it easy on me, so to speak, as we go to Mt. Hermon in a leisurely fashion up the inland waterway and the Connecticut River- seeing many interesting sites and sights. Yes there are the de rigeur hulks and huge abandoned machinery of destroyers and the like, but also many interesting trips down secluded and pretty canals. I wonder why the giant machinery features in my dreams- the cogeneration plants, etc. True I have hade experience- cleaning out the giant ?viners? at the food processing/canning plant in Pennsylvania or at the Power Plant in prison- reading gauges on the giant coal furnaces and huge spare generators. Maybe being out of control- amidst forces I cannot control?


12/2/11- frustration dream- am taking a test- those little blue books? Pencil isn?t sharp- saddest of all- I don?t have the questions- must go looking for the questions; the second dream more pleasant- searching down old roads in the woods- like in Vermnont or Pennsylvania- at one point flying over the woods- see some very large nests (eagles?)- an outstanding grove of trees- like that grove as we hiked up to Mt. Robson in Alberta- Douglas Spruce?  Fir?


12/11- another key motif in dreams- the desire for shelter and security- this one I am shuttling between houses (as usual)- one was in the country (the folks)- forget where the other was- but, reassuring feeling that, once the parents are gone- there will be houses for me And my siblings, so?no worries. Again- that key period after Oberlin where I was searching for self- very worried underneath, I suppose.


1/9/12 My brain takes me places in dreams as if- in this instance I am at at camp like Camp Dudley where I ws a counselor- I am swimming with an older-looked up to individual and telling him that I don?t know what to do in the life before me- asking for advice-I awake to realize that I had a career- that the civil right s martyrs- Schwerner, Cheny and Goodman HAD given me direction- I had worked for 33 years + helping inmates. It?s as if retirement is reminding me of an earlier period? The pool we are swimming in has its obstructions?.one is forced to swim under?


A second dream has me in the military- we are being shipped off to Burma. I am deciding I am going to have to bject; why did I go in in the first place? ?shades of Bradley Manning- at lone point I leave a long line of young men who are headed to disembark ? I am walking alone- I feel lonely- no one to talk to?Louise, tho- in real life- she stood behind me.


1/12-I dream I am the poet whom Yeats describes whose work ?has come to nothing?- the question I often have about why I get no reaction from my work (which isn?t entirely true) is answered- the work is too raw, too juvenile, too in yr face,  too ponderous,  too preachy-too, what?s the word, ??- I?m like an infant bawling?


1/13?at a shore place- big waves- I go in and am swept close in up on the shore again-my brother disappears in a wave- he does not come back- extended search- a corpse is lifted by the coast guard or scuba team- my brother turns into a demon


1/28- at last a pleasant dream- I attribute it to less drinking and a slowly building libido- I am in Vermont- going on some of the old familiar roads- as I look down the hill towards Chris White?s house, I see some one skiing along side the road- BUT IT?S SUMMER!?! I am noticing some beautiful flowers along side the road- a young girl is with me (have been watching Miranda in Julie Taymor?s version of ?The Tempest?- she is sexually tempting)- nothing negative or sour abt this!


 9/19 ????-I am helping a friend evade the law in a small apartment- he is either a Baader or a Berrigan figure- at the end of the dream I try hard to remember what he did- but I don't think that was in the dream- something momentous-is he my lover? There is a sexual component to the dream- the law breaks in (FBI type figures). Dreams are like the past- I try to reconstruct them in memory- I know there are more details but cannot remember. One of the thuggish law enforcement types fu ks my friend from behind...I throw a pack of condoms away (to avoid what?)- I get the feeling they are trying to show that he is gay?!?! ...or they are just brutal soldier type rapists. they take him. I am trying to escape out some side stairs and am apprehended- the rest of this dream vividly recounts the process of being taken- will there be press- "O yes they are waiting"- there are curious onlookers. They throw us into the back of a truck like sacks of potatoes. My friend is there also.  At one point a person jabs my hand repeatedly to get a blood sample- with some sort of scapel? At one point a person whose skull has been wounded is dealing with me- I try to be friendly and say "Semper Fi"- he says something to me I can't recall. At times I put my hands together in front of me and say "Namaste" or "peace".  We are taken through the streets and I see one sympathizer, student type- a stout woman sort of hiding behind a tree. The enforcement officers wonder are there more sympathizers around? We go through some kind of classroom where bodies are being dissected- elements of a sci fi or horror film. Wierd handcuffs are attached- sort of a bolt between my two hands. We get to an interrogation room- the nurse is also sympathetic- smiles at the peace sign. The dream is very impactful- I awake with a strong feeling of fear, but before I awake I remember thinking- where's the steel- meaning the steel of a backbone! . I go to Cathy's bed for some comfort and remember how Jesus said to forgive not just 7 times but 7 x's 70. How hard it is to forgive our enemies! I tell Cathy that although it was easy to feel right in the 60's, I was only sure that Phil was right- not so sure about myself. Was this a fear of the unknown dream...coming death? Coming big changes? I wonder about a possible vilanelle- How hard it is to forgive- and yet possibly the best way to live.

10/23/11- It's all so obvious in the end- the themes of redemption and forgiveness- the themes in "Parsifal"- Liszt and Wagner sitting in a garden overlooking the Mediterranean in Italy with the baby palms, the oleander- talking and joking about the past (this in the movie "Wagner") - Liszt taking orders- becoming an Abbe?- my father, forever trying to convert me as he was converted- in this dream we are in a lobby of prep school or college (or maybe it is the visiting room at prison where I have been fasting and he is impressed)- and he says, "Why don't you do a person in need a favor and help him renounce all the careless and sinfjl living"- and I look at him with a bit of derision and say: "and that would be who"? knowing that he is going to say- you- meaning me. It is all so obvious- like the fog that lies in the Connecticut Valley at the beginning of the day and then burns off, or the fog that envelopes Pacific Grove every morning- sweeping in over the fuchsias- and then later up off of them.

3/19/12- This dream would make a good play- the horrible fixes we can get into- I am driving and come to a part where the road is under construction- 1/2 macadam or cement, the other dirt; the cement is not dry yet so I go onto the dirt; the dirt is kind of muddy and I can see the macadam has hardened, so I attempt to get onto the hard, macadam side; problem is, there is a rise, a considerable raise to get onto the macadam and it is a sharp edge- I try any way and it is too high and my wheels get entangled underneath the car and come off! I get to the reunion where (it turne out) I was going; I feel ashamed- I have no wheels! I try to laugh it off- I talk about suing the state for not properly marking this situation- for I could have 1) stopped, or 2) continued on the dirt side- even tho it was muddy. Had this happened to others? We could have a class action! My car has been totaled. I am mad and ashamed- as if it were my fault!

3/21- dreams bubbling up more -(now that I've stopped drinking?)- first dream- coming out of the Jail-CANNOT remember where the car is parked- the feeling is so realistic- I know I drove it down here- try to retrace all actions back to the morning- wake up with intense relief to know that this was a dream and I DID NOT drive the car down!

2nd dream -of inadequacy- as if I were a youngster looking up- untutored, not having lived a long fruitful and productive life- I am processing inmates into the Jail- but have had no training with the pretrial forms- where to begin- where signatures are required- what if they don't want to sign?-categories, rankings- it's a total mess- myself and the others are going to send folks to the wrong sections, etc.

dream of 5/21/12- I am a chorister and have been asked to sing the solo in a Brahms-I feel quite confident- I start to hum a few bars...of what??? I am sitting a couple of rows from the front- one of my mates says, why don?t you move up to the front row so you can move to the center front when it comes time for yr solo- no- I?d prefer to sit back a bit; yes, I am shy.

What is it I am going to have to sing? If it?s Brahms it should b a part of the ?Requiem? where there is a solo for bass/baritone- I shuffle the music up aqnd take a look at the score- it?s the ?Alto Rhapsody?!!!!!!  no bass solo there?i wonder, what am I going to do?

dream ends

Why couldn?t the dream end w me realizing all I have to do is sit back and sing w my mates? But nooooooooooooooo...Usual frustration dream.

6/7/12- back from Australia and influenced by the ocean-my father went surfing at a dangerous spot and has disappeared- at one point in the dream I am running to the spot and realize no ?stone has been left unturned? as they look for him- there is a team looking- it is now a river like the Hudson River? And they have  actuallydrained a portion of it looking for him?  I wonder- maybe currents took him, say,  out to sea- some persons have actually excavated a sewer line- as if he could have gotten into that  and survivedlike Jewish resisters in the Warsaw Ghetto- I wonder if I hollered would he recognize my voice- HALOOO????????

6/17/12-a total failure dream- I am completely in the wrong- I steal a car- it is parked on Madison up near Greenmount? The key fits it and I drive off- then right down the street is a police blockade (refers to one we saw last night)  they stop me- I have no license, registration- Cathy and Evelyn will attend the trial- I will lose my job- what is this about?

9/6 ? after many and endless frustration dreams- where did I park my car, etc?finally a positive and lovely one- definitely influenced by one of Rachmaninoff's most beautiful songs- ?Before my window:

?Before my window stands a flowering cherry tree?the slight and trembling blooms I draw down from above and lost in rapture?etc?a wordless song of love?{ if you want the whole text email me- poem

by "Galina". Who WAS Galina?

I?m sitting out on a porch talking with a friend and am severely aware of duties- all the worries and troubles of the day- particularly worries about teaching and its necessaries- per usual- THEN as happens when there is a sudden breeze in the spring that shakes loose petals from a flowering tree- millions of small petals descend, surround and engulf me; I realize- all is well! Everything is going to be ok- sit back, relax! I can quit my teaching job and go meditate if I want!

This also reflects retirement.

NOTE many dates left out here, for I got used to posting on "My documents" and not here on "webs".

10/3/2012  email to my former boss- Evely Wood  last night dremt  as i entered the jail- you were enjoying a sort of buffet w pasta and treats w higher ups and i continued on to search out my new office- high up in an abandoned warehouse type of factory- w exposed pipes and all- and it was very small-like a closet- no room for a desk, etc. (like o brien hse or the ji bld- man i did get around din't i?) Jednorski used to pick on me and ask me "what are you doing here? (over in central bking- what a jerk) " kind of the kind of nitemare i am used to (my night brain creates little frustrating stories for me)

9/27/2017- webs has been horrible for me- deleting text- it's been 5 years since i added anything here- see if it takes- a really crummy site



hello- this is 2016  webs is bad    lick here to edit text


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